Martha90

middle-age American living in New Jersey near the Lincoln Tunnel «« With a family gathering approaching that includes me reminders of weirdness of family members are surfacing. Tonight I was warned that baby news was a secret. Without delay the baby was announce with thousands of likes on instagram by the mother and father more than a week ago, and tonight was the second family member uncomfortable with me knowing. This is circumstantial evidence that my blogging makes my family members uncomfortable with most of them having something close to a zero-sized digital footprint. Another strange misapplication of secrecy was a warning that our cousin’s progressive illness was a secret, but talking to other cousins it was clear they knew without me telling them, and at that “secret” moment the number of people who knew of the illness was in the triple digits . . . easily. Accepting I’m paying an unknown price for my openness in the final frontier of openness I process: faced with a specific complaint I would do my best to reconcile what I wrote with what may have been a better choice. Metoo has much of the world celebrating disclosure, and I’m related to people harboring secrets that are broadly known like my cousin’s illness and the California baby. If I were to read my aforementioned text I would sure to find one word: “anxiety”. My anxiety of this family gathering is mild yet undeniable. The suspected missteps I’ve taken in this blog are not likely to be the subject of anything. Rather I suspect there is a backlog of things people want to say to me, and by comparison I have no backlog. I have reason to believe I have family readers who have stepped along with me reading and saying nothing to me in response. It is my sense important people are listening that’s made for productive therapy. The natural byproduct is me being able to rest while others may have the uncomfortable sensation of a backlog. Like JK Rowlings wrote after Mrs. Dursley’s rant in the presents of Hagrid in their first and only meeting, “she spoke like she had been waiting a long time to say it”. I don’t have a backlog, and my trace amount of anxiety is in the background. I heard from Ellen today in a prompt reply to my group text ping where I was seeking affirmation of Martha90, so I could make travel plans. I think one of the biggest problems of warming up to me is all family member’s certainty that I will not participate in the exclusion of anyone else. I will honor all family unions through marriage or birth as I always have . . . till death. It could be argued my first divorce flies counter to my claim, but for me it reconciles. I only wanted to sever my relationship to my first wife, and made zero attempts to break her links to anyone else. ¿Anxiety? yes, I’m ready; the time is now . . ¿Now? not exactly . . . Martha90. »» about me 302-990-2346 contact us