¿Secrecy?

middle-age American living in New Jersey near the Lincoln Tunnel «« I was excluded from a family reunion in 2012, and this link tells the story. It hurt, but I had gotten myself stable after the death of my first-born son, David. One of my tools for stabilizing myself was making the vid at the moment of impact when the negative emotion was fresh, and it was effective. My siblings secret was outed by a cousin, and the vid view count is testimony that my siblings’ tactics were detected, objected to, and outed. My siblings had established a pattern since David died, which included weddings, but there was no one to call foul, because weddings have limited invite lists, and not everyone makes the list, but a ¿Reunion? was called foul by my cousin. My siblings set the pattern, and they have reason to claim it was my choice, but I tell my story not theirs. The pattern continues last night they gathered, and I was on my own learning of their gathering when I called my brother. He answered his phone, I confirmed they had plans and excluded me, and it felt normal. The graveside in about six hours feels normal . . . meaning . . . a command performance when all must be included includes me, but side events have the privilege of shortening the list, and I get on the lv-out list. With my brother talking to me again, and selectively answering/returning my calls it puts him in an odd position, because . . . well . . . bc he’s in an awkward position, and I did not indignity myself by calling him in the time btw graveside invite and graveside event knowing there were probably plans brewing that would lv me out. Ah the secret is revealed . . I’m making use of my restless time b4 the graveside and life goes on. While I’ve adapted and this moment of peace following this post will leave me feeling: successfully adapted. I still have lingering anxiety about Ryan who once said to me in anger: I’m done with your side of the family. I know confidently by the invitation of me and his mother, my ex, that my side of the family is not done with him, but are parts of his feelings ¿Valid? Do my sibs treat him with exclusion like they do ¿Me? Ryan gets mentioned without needing to mention Erin, because I don’t have the same fear with Erin. Her cousin’s relationships were strong enough when David died that including her is natural, and excluding her would be unnatural. I’m not sure about Ryan, and he stays away from me. Order of death, and what living people do before dying will determine what happens next in this exclude-but-don’t-get-caught-foul game my sibs play. I’m glad to be included in today’s graveside, and I’ll take my place where I should and where resistance and lack of resistance places me, and return to making exclusion of me ez, but . . . the ¿Secrecy? it’d be nice if that stopped.

About Tom Doody

middle-age American living in New Jersey near the Lincoln Tunnel
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