why abuse victims ¿Stay?

middle-age American living in New Jersey near the Lincoln Tunnel «« The Rob Porter story of domestic abuse of two former spouses fits a pattern. ONE: domestic abuse victims who stay TWO: an abuser who claims additional victims. An impassioned post by one of Porter’s ex wives described a shattered self confidence, and her abuser’s threats of additional abuse for an attempted flight. At this moment I break away from Porter’s story to mine. Though I deny being a victim of domestic abuse I felt first hand in my first marriage the power of forces of community and extended family that kept me in a marriage longer than I should have stayed. My exit was followed soon by the crashing of my food-science career when I lost professional status and income. It was also followed by the death of my first-born, David, which combined to make me feel punished. Somehow these independent events of a broken marriage, crashed career, and dead son felt tangled together in one KO punch. The forces keeping people in relationships get laid bare by tales of domestic abuse like Porter’s ex wives, but forces that keep people together are not always bad. Though my words of kept me “married to wife one too long” is negative surrendering and walking out without a bona fide effort to stay married is also negative. With this text I pledge to call again to family members on the ex-side of my surviving son’s and daughter’s family. I make my calls as I’ve done periodically on June 2nd. I promise now as I’ve done before in conversation to Luke, that I will put it all behind me, and resume some level of healthy interaction. I’ve told Luke there cannot be too much water under the bridge. My youngest, Ryan, is tracking to be legally emancipated a year from this Spring, and it’ll be overdue yet time for me to mend relationships across to the other side . . . the other side of my kid’s family. There were times I thought my level of investment in the ex-side of my kid’s family would somehow endure, but . . . . largely it didn’t, and maybe I knew then I would be shunned. Maybe I knew that I would pay a penalty for leaving. The years in marriage one wore on, and I behaved as though I did know that I would be penalized. If I live to some functioning level of family status on both sides of Ryan’s and Erin’s family then I might look back and realize I was right . . . my status would endure . . error of timing by a couple of decades yet correct. My status has not endured, and I have been unsuccessful at getting anyone on the other side to take my call on June 2nd, the day my late son, David, was born. On some years I didn’t even try . . . I’ll try again. If Ryan and I live to see him legally emancipated by the great state of New Jersey, then it’ll be time. With this text I pledge not to wait idle. Instead I’ll plan, think, write, and prepare. I’ll return where I started with the two ex wives of Rob Porter. The one well-written account describes the forces inside her home getting her to stay. I speak of forces outside my first-marriage home getting me to stay. The external forces were not central in the account by the Porter ex-wife, because it may have seemed mild when compared to domestic forces. I ache reading the woman’s account, and all the forces getter her to stay. The external forces of community, extended family, and a craving to avoid a loss in status are powerful. Victims get paralyzed when the power is combined with forces from inside the home. Why do victims ¿Stay? . . I understand part of it. »» about me 302-990-2346 contact us


About Tom Doody

middle-age American living in New Jersey near the Lincoln Tunnel
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